Yes I like Piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain, but there is no escape.
I got my Piña in the rain, uh huh.
by Britt
A few years ago when my ex boyfriend and I were on the cusp of breaking up, I brought the two of us to couple’s therapy. I was mad at him for a multitude of reasons, but nevertheless, I went to see if there was anything worth salvaging. My parents praised me as mature in the way I handled this disaster of a situation, even though I was flipping between seething rage and extreme sobbing. I tearfully explained the situation to this woman I had never met, and he robotically explained his side of things. The couple’s therapist looked at both of us and the fact we weren’t married, we had little to lose by breaking up, and said “Look, I could drag you along and take a ton of your money here, but it isn’t worth it. I can’t fix this.” She said it more eloquently, but those words really stuck in my mind.
That woman probably would say the same thing about the couple in the popular 1979 one hit wonder “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes. I’m not a trained couple’s therapist, not even a regular therapist, but the dynamic presented in this popular song would make even the Alpha Couple of Mountain Goats lore blush. It would make the couple’s therapist throw up her hands and go “I really, really cannot fix this.”
This deranged rabbit hole of overthinking began on this here Indieheads Podcast Patreon Discord server.
Now why did my brain think of that stupid story? I can’t say. But it set me down a path of overthinking that made even my mother go “You put more thought into this song than even the writer did.” She’s probably right! I did some googling ahead of this piece, and apparently:
Rupert Holmes doesn’t even like Piña coladas, and he’s mad he’s known for this song versus his other writings.
The original lyrics were supposed to be about “If you like Humphrey Bogart…” and he changed his mind because he’s written too many Humphrey Bogart references in his other writings, so instead it became Piña coladas.
Maybe I did think too much into this. I listened to this song too much and thought of some other logistical nightmare each playthrough. I went to the grocery store and stole my boyfriend’s rum to make Piña coladas because I just got into the mood for them. I spent about 20 minutes of my last therapy session explaining to my therapist that this song is terrible, and I guess she began connecting it more to the fact that my brain is like a poorly blended and unnecessarily chunky Piña colada right now, still getting used to the fact that maybe I can be… mildly happy. Normal is not the word for it—this definitely is not normal—but it’s still settling into a yummy blended beverage. I did the same thing with the Suez Canal boat.
“Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” is a nightmare of coincidences that worked out too perfectly. It didn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t have worked the way it did. It is a dark glimpse into a dark relationship that’s only going to fall apart after the events of this song.
THE PLAN
Our story begins with the narrator explaining that he was reading the paper in bed while his lady was sleeping beside him when he found the classified ad that has the chorus of the song. Assuming this is nighttime and he’s reading before he goes to sleep like his lady (rather than getting up and getting the paper and crawling back into bed afterward, risking disturbing her), this means he had to take the personal ad with his response out in the morning. The next day’s paper would have already been printed and delivered by the time he woke up and called the paper, so the ad wouldn’t have run until the next day. That’s around 48 hrs to sit there and stew in lies and excitement about cheating, for both of them.
Now, Lady does not know that her significant other was responsible for the response. They both have to look at the same section of the paper, which is not normal for most sections except for the news. We also do not know that Lady was responsible for the original ad posting at the beginning of the song, so setting up a time and place to meet like that was risky. What if she missed that day’s edition of the paper? What was his plan if she didn’t show the first time? Would he just go to O’Malley’s every day at noon until his mystery woman showed up? Not a great plan!
If he did plan his escape, and actually went through with it, how was he going to explain it to his Lady? Was he just going to disappear for a week and come back like nothing happened? He has to have a job, and his Lady was definitely going to be suspicious when he doesn’t appear for a week. Frankly, a missing person’s report would have been filed and it would have become a nightmare of paperwork. This really was not well thought out. No wonder she requested at least half a brain.
THE O’MALLEY’S ENCOUNTER
The first thing that should have raised a flag for Lady was that he suggested O’Malley’s like it was a place he frequented. Lady had to be at least familiar with the place. That should have tipped her off that maybe she knew whoever responded to the ad.
The second thing that bothered me about the O’Malley’s encounter was that if I were planning on cheating on my significant other, and I saw my significant other at the bar I’m meeting my new lover at to plan an escape, I would pretend I simply do not see my significant other. I do not know her. That person was not me, it was my evil twin, or someone who looks a hell of a lot like me.
The third thing was that he requested the meeting at noon, lunchtime. Either they both had to leave from work during a lunch hour to go to this bar (which is very unprofessional if you intend to drink champagne or Piña coladas, and not enough time to plan your escape), or they had to leave the house at the same time. The song begins with them sharing a bed, so there’s a very real chance that the two of them live together. What were their excuses for leaving? Where did they say they were going? Why didn’t they carpool? The song was released in October 1979, well into an international oil crisis caused by the Iran-Iraq War. Gas prices had to have been through the roof. It would have made more sense to carpool if they were going to the same area and it would have saved them both money.
OH IT’S YOU
That isn’t a normal reaction. It’s not a meet cute story. You both were going to cheat on each other, and you don’t have the right to be angry at the other one for cheating like that at the moment. Clearly, in order for the ad to be taken out in the first place, she had to have been unsatisfied with the relationship. When she wrote the ad, she had to be thinking of what she was lacking in the current relationship. Her ad specifically requests not being into yoga and “having half a brain,” which, if we haven’t figured it out yet, means the narrator is a fucking moron. I would have been disappointed that my significant other I was trying to escape from was the one who responded to my personal ad.
What do you do after that? You don’t just go on vacation to drink Piña coladas and pretend nothing happened, or even laugh about it. Insecurities develop in the relationship, and suddenly there’s no trust. It has absolutely exploded in their faces. Even if they did escape for a week, a long time would be needed to rebuild that trust. That relationship is toxic and destined to fail if this was the way they chose to communicate that they had problems.
This was all preventable. He said he never knew that she liked Piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. How did he not know that? Did she not share it? Or did he not pay attention? She could have ordered a Piña colada at a restaurant. She could have suggested a vacation. He could have also suggested spicing up their relationship and getting out of the same old dull routine. Relationships are two way streets! The onus is on both of them!
MAKING LOVE AT MIDNIGHT IN THE DUNES OF THE CAPE
This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. A wise man once said that he hated sand:
I really don’t need to elaborate further on why this is stupid thing to want. She needs half a brain too.
CONCLUSION
This was my “Pistol.” This has been plaguing my brain for multiple days. There was no escape. I love Piña coladas. I love getting caught in the rain. I just cannot take how poorly managed this couple was, and how far gone this relationship is. I give it like a month after the events of the song take place that they break up, assuming they don’t try couple’s therapy. They may be beyond couple’s therapy. I don’t know. I don’t want to find out.